Monday 23 November 2009

Obnoxious Owl.




I really have to link to this blog.

http://www.obnoxiousowl.com/

She's a woman and she's damn good at it. A blog full of information and advice.

Advice directed to men as well. Take her advice, she doesn't use it anyway.


Here's a couple of links to some man-related posts.

Her latest tips for guys.

And some advice regarding... bushes.

Sunday 22 November 2009

Not as charming as you think it is. Part 1


YOU'VE SEEN ALL THOSE BODY SPRAY COMMERCIALS WHERE THE DUDE SPRAYS HIMSELF AND THE CHICKS ARE ALL OVER HIM? - THESE ARE NOT TRUE
- No matter how much deodorant you spray on you, no chick will go bonkers by just the way you smell. Actually the more you apply, the stronger the smell is and the more annoying you become to those around you. If you have to use body spray. Spray once on each armpit for 3 seconds. NO MORE. As for women, they have a hightened sense of smell than us, they can smell it even if it's left on your t-shirt from last night. Best advice: Use an odorless (preferably non-alcohol based) stick deodorant for your pits and a nice cologne. Spray once on each side of you neck. Voila! You smell nice, sexy and most of all discreetly.

FLATULENCE IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. NOT COOL - I don't care how proud you are about your ability to sing the national anthem while preparing for a bowel movement. I don't even care if they don't smell. When you are around other people don't fart. Especially in front of any woman, including your mother. It doesn't make you look more manly, it's not even as funny as you think it is. Keep those personal discussions with your ass for when you're alone or in the loo. Even when you're in the company of other men. We used to have this guy in the army who thought he was the next best thing because he could fart on demand. Keep your farts to yourself big guy, try to be a gentleman even when among pigs... Unless of course your farts are silent AND odorless. Then you are free to fart all you want. Same goes for burping.

OFFER TO HELP HER EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO - She'll love the chivalry and she'll take note of it, hopefully. You don't have to go out of your way and force her to allow you to help her. But the occasional offer of help here and there will do good things for your image. No you're not pussy-whipped if you help her. Least you can do is act like a gentleman and earn yourself some points for those times that you act a little more moronic and want to get away with it.

IF YOU CAN'T PICK A COLOR. STICK WITH BLACK - Let's face it, not all men have the ability to choose colors that compliment their figure and face (I'm one of them). When the time comes to go out, be it for a social gathering, a visit to an exhibit or clubbing, and you can't pick a color to wear. Stick with black, dark grey and grey. Yes, there is a slight chance you'll come off as plain and colorless, and it's in your hand to prove that clothes prove nothing with your witting repartee, but it's much better than wearing some lime green jumper or pink plaid pants you think suit you well and end up looking like an eccentric color-blind baboon. Tip: If you think you can pull it through, try white as well. It's an interesting neutral color and it might add to the whole attire even in the form of an accessory. - P.S I'm all for bright colors but only wear them when you actually know what you're doing. If in doubt, ask a woman.

Sunday 15 November 2009

Not talking to her.




You know the drill. She might have said something, done something, hell even showed you something that somehow in your mind doesn't add up and all of a sudden you choose to stop talking to her.

We've all done it. Thing is, we don't actually know why we do it.

It's one of those mysteries of nature. One that leaves women wondering "why won't he talk to me? what did I do?"

In our sick minds we get the idea that by avoiding any discussion with her we're actually punishing her for something she did and that somehow this is the most perfect lesson we could teach her.

It could be anything. From something she did to any impression you had that didn't actually come out as you planned it. From the fact that she didn't explain why she's late or why she's leaving to the fact that you planned out (in your mind) a whole night with her and she said she really has to leave after a couple of hours.

And what do we do? We pretend everything is okay until she leaves and then we stop talking to her.

We don't reply to her messages, we avoid eye contact on the road (pretend we didn't see her, even though she was the first creature we noticed among thousands) and even if she phones, thank God for caller ID or else we would have replied to her calls by mistake.

We think this is perfect, we think this is the most appropriate way to deal with this. We think this is a bold statement as if we were saying "I'm moving on, I don't need you, you don't even exist for me."

Well I'm gonna let you in on a little secret I discovered in my days of deucebaggery. Women haven't got a clue about this, they don't know what you're trying to do or what you're trying to say. Actually you come off as weird, they try to find a reasoning behind your actions but they can't. You won't explain to them why you're angry, why you don't trust them anymore.

And no matter how much she wants to know. No matter how perhaps she wholeheartilly asks you for what's going on because she cares, you still keep your silence. Better than a secret ops agent being interrogated by the chinese. You won't say, hell you'll even pretend everything's fine and that there's no problem whatsoever.

Of course she stops trying and from just plain weird you become moronic in her eyes (and even in the eyes of her friends).

This is the epitome of deucebaggery my friends. What you think makes you even more manly because you chose to "move on" in reality turns you into tiniest of hamsters. Feeble and weak. Coward enough to not even admit your own problems.

A man solves his problems and THEN moves forward. There are usually two choices for these situations:

A) You tell her what annoyed you, explaining the reasons and why you think it's wrong. Or just tell her that you were under the impression that something different would happen. Not much explanation or analysis needed just the basics. THEN move on accordingly.

B) Swallow it down, don't mention anything and just wait to see what happens. If she does it again then explain what and why you don't like it. If she gives viable explanation all is well in the universe. If not, JUDGE wisely and choose to move or stay.

Holding it in, as a silent grudge that eats you from inside out it's not the solution. You're better off explaining your position. You're not taking steps back, you're being honest and saying that she did something you didn't like.

If she did it by mistake she will understand and if she cares she'll avoid from doing it again.

If that's the way she is at least you're letting her know that you're not on common grounds with her behaviour and that you don't appreciate what she did. Either way she will appreciate it. At least you have some dignity left to move on.

Most women want to know what you think, if something irritates you say it. You're better off with her knowing your pet peeves else she might repeat the same mistakes.

P.S Also, not talking to her for a considerable amount of time and then when you mind has calmed down you go back to talking to her as if nothing happened. EPITOME OF ULTIMATE DEUCEBAGGERY. You've become the lowest of rodents. A rat.

Slicky Racoon says hello.

Hello.

This blog is made by a man. A straight man (as far as I can tell), not a gay or metrosexual man.

I have hair on my chest (and in other places you most likely don't want to hear) I'm not the neatest guy in the world and my socks have been unwashed for so long that actually little spaceships fly around my toes. There's sentient life evolved down there.

That doesn't mean I don't shower, I don't look after my appearance and that I'm not a gentleman (ya right!). It just means that sometimes I just won't go out of my way if I'm feeling convenient in a situation... like any man would do...

Yet, I feel the urge to write my thoughts. To speak out to the public and anyone with enough free time in their hands to read the thoughts of a Slicky Racoon.

This blog is about man thoughts, man stuff and man bullshit. Welcome.